Hoop.la

It's a little bit saddening when you look at things from the past and find that you've managed to lose the person you were back then completely. The things that once held your passion, the people that once held your interest and the 'talents' that you were proud of. It's not so bad when you can look at these aspects and then go on to identify those that have taken their place in your current life. It's when you can't pin point said substitutes that things takes a turn for the worst.

At 19, barely halfway through my university degree, I find myself in the midst of an identity crisis. Figuratively looking at the mirror and not liking what I see one bit.

Everyone seems so hell bent on being an 'individual'. Granted that yes, individuality is a great thing. Individuality is, also, inherent in everyone both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, it is something that is achieved and shaped by one's thoughts, experiences and choices. Literally...each and every person is, in essence, alone. Some people more so than others. Since leaving high school, I can say that I've been..'some people'. The existance of my rather large group or friends had always been something I was happy with. I was proud to be able to say that I was close to a number of people, many not even in my immediate group of... companions. It was innevitable that that network would weaken substantially when the days of seeing each other for hours on end were finished. I just never thought that it would crumble. I still have my friends, and recently, have been getting better at catching up. But it's all still a little bit lonely. The other day, I caught up with a close friend I hadn't seen in over a year, and she seemed to be a bit of a stranger. I still love her all the same and was ecstatic to finally get a hug after so damned long- but it was different. In talking she'd said how weird it was, to see how much we'd all grown up after just a year. Is this what all this is about then? If this is what 'growing up' is then it sure as hell is lonely.

On the topic of growing up, another thing I miss was the ability to look through the eyes of a child. There was a time when everything around me had the potential to be poetic. A pen. The light. A place. A person. They could act as catalysts for something... creative. Whether it be a quick sketch on the back of a receipt or a perfume testing card, or a sentence or story concocted mentally- never to reach paper or word file. There was a sense of wonder, a less contrived way at seeing situations. Now the words dont come. It's a little bit more lonely now. It's not any less noisy in my mind. The noise is just more...shallow. It's more car horns and tv's rather than the pitter patter of rain or the different tones made by footsteps on the pavement. It is such a sad thing to find that you cant write anymore. Or that you haven't drawn something you're proud of for over a year.

Is it possible to have 'advanced academically' and feel more ignorant, less educated and less cultured at the same time?

Is it possible that I had more depth at 16 and 17 than I do at 19?

Perhaps more importantly... how do I get back there?

Then there's the revalation of a more … pragmatic attitude. I refuse to call myself a pessimist. Because I'm not. Really. I'm a realist. Experience has led me to be more scrutinizing of situations and those involved in them. A little bit more of a “cut the bullshit” person. I remember telling (who once was) a good friend that “I cant judge something or someone in a purely negative way because it's always a certainty that they've had just as hard of a time dealing with the situation as you have”. It was all done in the guise of fairness and niceness- that and a belief that everything is inherently good and that if you project such thoughts out then they are bound to come back to you in some way. I still believe that- but am just less afraid to express not so nice feelings to whoever is involved. Nowadays, it seems that being nice is becoming a more taxing. Being blunt is just much easier.

I have no clue how to fix things..